Cleansing, refreshing, graceful, stunning, intoxicating

“Depression blocks out anything but darkness. It’s as if someone placed a filter over the heart’s eyes that allow only the sense of defeat, loss, and the hopelessness to seep through.

A passionless life is wasted life, Christ died to renew our passion, not to remove it.

Depression cripples my ability to serve in the kingdom of God. However, when my illness is under control and I’m back climbing the ladder again, I can reach out to others and help them along. But merely existing is defeat.”

These words were written by Bonnie Keen from her book, A Ladder out of Depression.
Reading these words was like reading my diary. It seems the only one who knows what depression like, is the one who has walked the road. A road that is dark, long, winding and seems to never end and the choice to go down; is not.

I think it hurts the worse in the evening, when the sun is going down. It physically hurts, I feel as if my body is crippled and the only think I desire to do is curl up in my bed and turn off all the lights and cry. There are some with depression, who suffer a loss of appetite, when I am at my lowest food is my comfort, it becomes my drug, so it is hard to lose weight. I have so many medical problems, but it is so hard to exercise, I have nothing to fight for!

The statement made, “depression cripples my ability to serve in the kingdom of God”, is profound… I have so many passions that I would like to pursue, however I don’t know how to light the fire under me, I would love to write, I would love to take pictures, I would love to continue to teach children, but I don’t know how any more, all I know how to do is hurt, this is a day to day battle, lately it seems like I am losing more battles than winning. In the Bible it says, God will not give us more than we can handle, there are days I wonder, how much more can I handle?

As I was sitting here writing this evening, I received a phone call, my friend called me in tears telling me of the depression she has been walking through, in one instant God turned my hurting into ministry; somehow, I was able to counsel her and be her friend, even though we were hundreds of miles apart, and even though I was too hurting. When we were done speaking, my heart felt lighter and I talked to Jesus about my friend, last weekend I had Saturday off and I volunteered at my church’s garage sale for 3 hours, when I left, I felt light hearted. Why are these days so few and far between, if someone is in trouble or I have given my commitment I will follow through, other wise sleeping is a whole lot easier. What makes me sad is in order to be accountable, I try to give my commitment to Jesus, on going to small groups, or spending more time writing or studying, but then I don’t. How come I can say no to Jesus, but not to a human, maybe because I can not see him, yet!

I don’t know why I have become open, maybe because this is the only way we communicate these days, maybe because I have no one to be accountable to and am just looking for ideas as I walk through this battle, I’m not sure. What I do know, however is that depression is not a disease you can pray your way out of, Although God is the light that penetrates through darkness, for some reason he has chosen not to rescue me. Sometimes it is way to dark. It always hurts in the evening! John 1:5 The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.

When you walk through the fire, I will be with you.

If these walls could speak, what would they say? What went on here? How many tears have been shed, how many laughs have been heard, how many hugs, kisses have been shared. How many lives have been started, how many lives have ended. If these walls could speak, what would they say?

Hand in Hand!

Hand in Hand with a friend in the most beautiful place on earth, what could be better!!

sleeping in heavenly peace

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep
I Pray The Lord, My Soul To Keep
If I Die Before I Wake,
I Pray The Lord, My Soul To Take!!

Silent Battles

In my mind, dark specters
attempt to conquer me.
Subconscious wars I've waged
against these enemies.
At times I fight the battles
and think that I can win.
Other days, the darkness
just tells me to give in.

It's like I'm in a dream...
running in slow motion,
or floundering amidst
a deep and stormy ocean...
I reach out for a life raft,
but feel the anchor's weight.
If I don't release it,
drowning is my fate.

I'm trying to call out,
but cannot form the words.
Then screams become an echo
and only go unheard.
Trapped by walls of silence,
I issue my last plea-
"Oh, dear God in heaven,
please come and set me free."
Author Unknown