“Depression blocks out anything but darkness. It’s as if someone placed a filter over the heart’s eyes that allow only the sense of defeat, loss, and the hopelessness to seep through.

A passionless life is wasted life, Christ died to renew our passion, not to remove it.

Depression cripples my ability to serve in the kingdom of God. However, when my illness is under control and I’m back climbing the ladder again, I can reach out to others and help them along. But merely existing is defeat.”

These words were written by Bonnie Keen from her book, A Ladder out of Depression.
Reading these words was like reading my diary. It seems the only one who knows what depression like, is the one who has walked the road. A road that is dark, long, winding and seems to never end and the choice to go down; is not.

I think it hurts the worse in the evening, when the sun is going down. It physically hurts, I feel as if my body is crippled and the only think I desire to do is curl up in my bed and turn off all the lights and cry. There are some with depression, who suffer a loss of appetite, when I am at my lowest food is my comfort, it becomes my drug, so it is hard to lose weight. I have so many medical problems, but it is so hard to exercise, I have nothing to fight for!

The statement made, “depression cripples my ability to serve in the kingdom of God”, is profound… I have so many passions that I would like to pursue, however I don’t know how to light the fire under me, I would love to write, I would love to take pictures, I would love to continue to teach children, but I don’t know how any more, all I know how to do is hurt, this is a day to day battle, lately it seems like I am losing more battles than winning. In the Bible it says, God will not give us more than we can handle, there are days I wonder, how much more can I handle?

As I was sitting here writing this evening, I received a phone call, my friend called me in tears telling me of the depression she has been walking through, in one instant God turned my hurting into ministry; somehow, I was able to counsel her and be her friend, even though we were hundreds of miles apart, and even though I was too hurting. When we were done speaking, my heart felt lighter and I talked to Jesus about my friend, last weekend I had Saturday off and I volunteered at my church’s garage sale for 3 hours, when I left, I felt light hearted. Why are these days so few and far between, if someone is in trouble or I have given my commitment I will follow through, other wise sleeping is a whole lot easier. What makes me sad is in order to be accountable, I try to give my commitment to Jesus, on going to small groups, or spending more time writing or studying, but then I don’t. How come I can say no to Jesus, but not to a human, maybe because I can not see him, yet!

I don’t know why I have become open, maybe because this is the only way we communicate these days, maybe because I have no one to be accountable to and am just looking for ideas as I walk through this battle, I’m not sure. What I do know, however is that depression is not a disease you can pray your way out of, Although God is the light that penetrates through darkness, for some reason he has chosen not to rescue me. Sometimes it is way to dark. It always hurts in the evening! John 1:5 The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.